The man in the shadows

When I've had crappy times in my life I've always turned to one thing, and that is writing. Ever since I was in 8th grade its been something I've done and I never stopped doing. I may not always post it on my blog but I have tons of poems, quotes, random thoughts floating in my computer.

In the last few months my life has COMPLETELY changed, from living in San Diego, having my own apartment, working part-time, barely making it financially, and being with the man that I cared about more then anything.- to moving the fuck out of San Diego- living back in my hometown(which isn't half bad except for a high percentage of retarded people that roam the streets like their shit don't stink), being around EVERYONE I love more than anything, and having a full time job which pays very well, and suffering a pretty traumatic heart break. Moving back seems to carry a lot of positive impacts on my life. I am now able to buy things FOR ME, take care of me and not worry about anyone else. Its actually great, except knowing that the man I loved was a complete psychopath.

I've thought about posting what's been going on in my life multiple times, but does having all that information out there make me a weaker person? I really don't think so, first I have to say that when it comes to emotional attachment towards people, I'm very picky with who I interact with, and when those chapters in my life end I definitely need a lot of time to reflect. I do not believe that right after a relationship I should go right into the next. A relationship should not be half a person trying to fill a void but it should be a whole person trying to find another person to compliment them.

The last two months I've gone through anger, hurt, heart break, more anger, disgust, disbelief, and betrayal. The story I have I don't need to repeat but know that it was the biggest lessons of my life. I NEVER thought this would happen to me, EVER, but much less did I EVER believe that this man would have done what he did. I "believed" that people were generally good, I've never met anyone that created a persona, a life, a hobby, morals that were not really part of that individual at all. I still have trouble understanding , is it a double life he lives? Does he have mental issues? I guess I'll never know but what I do know is that what happened when our relationship ended was NOT my fault, he was who he has always been, but I was just too blind to see the truth.

The truth has seeped through the cracks and back into my life in waves, first the initial shock then greater lies, his lack of morals, lies, his lack of shame,his lack of self respect, and lack of respect of people that have loved that person. If anything, I gave that man a HUGE chance to change his path but he refused, instead of finding the right path he tried or should I say insisted in finding a shortcut that only ended up getting him lost. But here I am talking about him? WTF!!!!!!!

Now that I am where I need to be, I still find my self thinking about this person, I am ANGRY that I've missed someone that doesn't exist but I try to accept the truths that I have learned... I thought so highly of him, he was my best friends and my love and in the end it ended like a bad dream. The hardest thing is dealing with the questions I know I'll never understand. What was real?