Engagement and life changes

The last few months have changed the dynamics of my relationship with my fiance'. I'm not saying that it has changed in any negative way but it has changed in a way that has made us make different choices together. I for a instance,work for a nonprofit organization in which I make little money. I'm educated and work hard and I went into social services for the love of helping people. I love what I do but now that I am engaged I can't only think of my self but I have to think of my future with husband and the life that we ideally would like to have.

 I met my fiance on Aug 2011 we hit it off right off the bat. It was amazing but I couldn't really believe that this man was legitimately honest with me. In previous blogs I've talked about my horrifiying nightmare of a relationship what I wish never happen. There was manipulation, and anything someone with anti social personality would do to get there way. I fell victim of that and with that naive mind, my soul, my trust was vastly depleted.

But here I am today happier than I've ever been. Lucky that my sense of protection and urge to run away didn't scare me enough to NOT give my fiance Marco a chance. If that would have happen I know it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I found a good man a man that I am lucky to have. Its been almost 3 months since we got engaged and 1 year until we get married. O_O OH my! So this blog will outline our adventure. Starting from us moving in together which will happen in a month from now,saving, budgeting, decorating our bedroom, home, and wedding planning and much more. Stay tuned we have a lot to share.

I wrote this years ago.....

I wrote this years ago and felt that I should repost this on my blog for those that may understand previous frustration.


Random but here is a blog I wrote about being a teller when I was a teller you might get a kick out of it.

Life as a teller..
Okay, for the most part I like my job, its fun, I've heard great stories, met great people, but sometimes you come across some ass holes, and as a teller you become FREAKEN ANNOYED. If your a teller you know what im talking about.
top 5 Most annoying things
1) FILL OUT YOU FUCKIN DEPOSIT SLIPS... dont give me "i dont know my accound number" do you know the date and your name?? okay thats all I need you to do, a 5 year old can fill out their name and the date.
2) To all you non-customers with attitude, dont worry I hate you too. If you DONT have an account at a bank, your non-customer(we have no info to reference on) so according to the Patriot act we REQUIRE TWO forms of ID! TWO. If you have a problem with that go to your own bank or open an account. You really dont need to blow up in my face cause you dont have your shit together really now Im not trying to be a ass to you, their are rules that I GET PAID TO FOLLOW. So really, dont hate me.
3) Why do you try to hide your pin number from me? really now, why? once you put your pin number in, i get your social, adress , ID info, etc.. why would that pin even matter?? So if you hide your pin from a teller, dont! You just look like an idiot.
4) HAVE YOU SHIT TOGETHER!!!! if your waiting in line for like 10 minutes and the first thing you say to me is "oh my gosh you need more tellers" and then you follow that with "oh i forgot to fill out my deposit slip, sign my checks and organize everything" umm sorry to say dude but if you had your stuff ready these people would be in and out in no time. So just have your stuff ready.
5) 3rd party checks, why does every single person say "I do it all the time?" Just know if you dropped your check and someone else took it and cashed it you probably would be mad. So dont think im being mean for not cashing SOMEONE ELSES CHECK.
Im not mean, just annoyed sometimes. most people that come in are great customers its jsut these small things that happen that get under my skin and I am sure other tellers can agree.

OH YEAH TOTALLY FORGOT!.. ONE of the most annoying things any customer can say is ... "oh you must be new" WTF seriuosly I want to hit them in the face soooooooo bad. Do they not realize how freaken rude that is.. Just becuase i dont know you doesnt mean im new. YOUR NOT THAT IMPORTANT! AH.. ok bye bye im done now

Dear 805, I've been here for almost ummm.... 9 -10 months. As much as you'll always have a place in my heart I get very angry at some of the people that live here. Maybe thats why I enjoy working in social services and making a difference because maybe just maybe I could help someone find opportunities to take them where they need to be.
I sorta wanna move back to the 619 I left because i needed to at the time. It was filled with cold, horrible memories for me to be able to heal properly. I love my family I love my friends but the 805 seems to interest me less and less. Okay well Santa Paula is the black hole i need to get out of not Ventura County as a whole just a few spots that really anger.

But the longer I am here the more I get over what the past has punished me with and grow stronger to make the moves I need to make. May that be San Diego or San Francisco I'll be ready when that day comes. I will apply to grad school soon and I am looking forward to this, if I stay local or if I move either way I will be happy with where life takes me.

Random Hike

White Man- Langston Hughes-Written in the 1930's

White Man
Sure I know you!
You’re a White Man.
I’m a Negro.
You take all the best jobs
And leave us the garbage cans to empty
and
The halls to clean.
You have a good time in a big house at
Palm Beach
And rent us the back alleys
And the dirty slums.
You enjoy Rome –
And take Ethiopia.
White Man! White Man!
Let Louis Armstrong play it –
And you copyright it
And make the money.
You’re the smart guy, White Man!
You got everything!
But now,
I hear your name ain’t really White
Man.
I hear it’s something
Marx wrote down
Fifty years ago –
That rich people don’t like to read.
Is that true, White Man?
Is your name in a book
Called the Communist Manifesto?
Is your name spelled
C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-T?
Are you always a White Man?
Huh?

The man in the shadows

When I've had crappy times in my life I've always turned to one thing, and that is writing. Ever since I was in 8th grade its been something I've done and I never stopped doing. I may not always post it on my blog but I have tons of poems, quotes, random thoughts floating in my computer.

In the last few months my life has COMPLETELY changed, from living in San Diego, having my own apartment, working part-time, barely making it financially, and being with the man that I cared about more then anything.- to moving the fuck out of San Diego- living back in my hometown(which isn't half bad except for a high percentage of retarded people that roam the streets like their shit don't stink), being around EVERYONE I love more than anything, and having a full time job which pays very well, and suffering a pretty traumatic heart break. Moving back seems to carry a lot of positive impacts on my life. I am now able to buy things FOR ME, take care of me and not worry about anyone else. Its actually great, except knowing that the man I loved was a complete psychopath.

I've thought about posting what's been going on in my life multiple times, but does having all that information out there make me a weaker person? I really don't think so, first I have to say that when it comes to emotional attachment towards people, I'm very picky with who I interact with, and when those chapters in my life end I definitely need a lot of time to reflect. I do not believe that right after a relationship I should go right into the next. A relationship should not be half a person trying to fill a void but it should be a whole person trying to find another person to compliment them.

The last two months I've gone through anger, hurt, heart break, more anger, disgust, disbelief, and betrayal. The story I have I don't need to repeat but know that it was the biggest lessons of my life. I NEVER thought this would happen to me, EVER, but much less did I EVER believe that this man would have done what he did. I "believed" that people were generally good, I've never met anyone that created a persona, a life, a hobby, morals that were not really part of that individual at all. I still have trouble understanding , is it a double life he lives? Does he have mental issues? I guess I'll never know but what I do know is that what happened when our relationship ended was NOT my fault, he was who he has always been, but I was just too blind to see the truth.

The truth has seeped through the cracks and back into my life in waves, first the initial shock then greater lies, his lack of morals, lies, his lack of shame,his lack of self respect, and lack of respect of people that have loved that person. If anything, I gave that man a HUGE chance to change his path but he refused, instead of finding the right path he tried or should I say insisted in finding a shortcut that only ended up getting him lost. But here I am talking about him? WTF!!!!!!!

Now that I am where I need to be, I still find my self thinking about this person, I am ANGRY that I've missed someone that doesn't exist but I try to accept the truths that I have learned... I thought so highly of him, he was my best friends and my love and in the end it ended like a bad dream. The hardest thing is dealing with the questions I know I'll never understand. What was real?

Saved

It couldn't have happened better, the pieces came together perfectly.

and my road seems even clearer than before. Sometimes it takes major events to clarify your vision. To be able to see past all the bull shit and concentrate on what is important. But lies always will run their course and the truth revealed.

This time is definitely a closing of a chapter in my life. My college days, San Diego, and my bad ass apartment, love, a douche bag and truth to make any pain go away. I'd hate to put an end to it but if you don't change, change will one day find you. Even then I think this change just happened when it was suppose to, New job, new place, new (well sorta) life. I'm looking forward to being around my family again. :) I've missed them but in that time I've spent alone I also realized new things.

I was saved when I didn't even know it. :)

One Day at a Time

I remember what you wore the first time we met

I remember how you smelled on the first day we spent

I remember how you smiled for no reason at all and how it knocked down the bricks that had built up my walls

You were everything I never knew I wanted

See, I finally got it and I stopped looking for it

Love, we explored it together for the first and last time

Nowadays I can’t even call my heart mine

It’s yours. You seeped into each of my pores

You invaded my essence, soft sweet caresses

Looked past my bullshit to see my intentions

No fronts, no lines, no lies, no time

Just us, eternity

Nowhere else to go to

I fell in love with you and then I had to get to know you

Those beginning stages of stories and places

Of people and lessons beyond first impressions

Our first kiss was natural

I didn’t think about it, it happened before I realized the place was crowded

And still I didn’t doubt it, it felt so right

One moment can change your whole life

I went home we talked on the phone till we both fell asleep

Just knowing you were there is what allowed me the peace

See, when you’re not around its hard for me to get through

I know that you're safe because I’m there to protect you

You saved me from me

I know that's hard for you to see

But you did, you allowed me to live

So I mapped out your body from the curve of your hips

To the nape of your neck and the shape of your breasts

And we had sex...I mean we made love...I mean we had sex, made love, and sometimes we straight fucked

And either way afterwards I would stay there

Inside of you panting as we laid there

You moved in, it was where your time was spent,

So we saved some money and went half on the rent

Then you met mom, now you two are like Siamese

Secretly I think she likes you a little more than me

But that's cool, I like you more than me too

If I died I would ask God to let me live inside of you

See I’m a private guy

Most people need a private eye to get the picture

And that's why I picked her

But why she picked me

Will forever be a mystery

That's our connection

I call you perfection

We don’t have as much to say as we used to

But I can read her mind

It’s just something I’m used to

Try six years

After the butterflies have cocooned

And the cows have jumped over the moon

Try that.

Are you still as in love?

Not in the same way

But I can feel it growing deeper each and every day

That's why I pray for her before I think to pray for me

Her happiness in this, it means everything to me

She’s everything to me

My favorite sound is hearing her keys unlocking the door

Her feet on the floor or the crank of the planks

Cause I can’t fall asleep till I’ve seen her face

And I’m sure she’s safe

It’s trust and its faith

And its lust and commitment

Because a marriage license ain’t shit if you don’t stick with it

You might as well rip it up

You might as well wait a while

Shit, I’m sure I’m sure and I’m still gonna wait a while

I wait until you're asleep

Then I whisper in your ear

I tell you everything you never knew you’d wanna hear

Your beautiful, the best person that I’ve ever known

There's no way I could do justice in one poem

There's no way I could do justice in one life

I’ll have to come back so I can worship you twice

I’ll have to come back so I can be your wife

So I can have your child to recreate your smile

I wanna clone you cause you're that selfless

But I’m too selfish to feel that helpless

I need you

Loves so hard to describe

You're the first girl I’ve let inside

And although others have tried

They couldn’t survive the Gemini’s five sides

The laughs and the cries and the falls and the rise

I wanna grow old together in a villa up in Italy

Literally

A balcony vineyard view

I wanna see our kids’ kids have kids

And I wanna spoil them as much as I do you

Cause you're my best friend

I swear to God you're the pinnacle

Before we met I was half an individual

Now I’m on the path of divine design

How do you love love?

One day at a time

Home

Home,

where scents bring you back to moments,

where you are able to be at peace.

Home is where you have people you love

peace, love, comfort

My parents home was always my home until I met you.

You are my home,

you've brought me comfort, love and peace

I've created a home with you,

I'm scared to lose it.

Layers

You are not who you said you were. Your layer have fallen to reveal the true you.

While for me its not that I wasn't who you thought I was... I am who I've always been, yet its the fire inside me that has died.

I use to be a growing tree... but I ran into a tough time in my life where a part of me died.

Now I'm just waiting for the next rain to fall

The rain that will help me revive.

Symbolic Interactionism (the world is my theater)

The world is our theater and we are merely actors. Life is like an impromptu play that has its blue print but the out come may change. Each society has its rules and expectation, I know I've heard this example be given millions of times but even an elevator has its specific rules that as a society we agree on. When standing in an elevator the rule is that you stand facing the front of the elevator not facing the back. If anyone would do otherwise this would be unacceptable and people would immediately react to what is not normal. We all know that there is a road that we must take but for the most part that includes going to school, getting married, having kids. If people fall out of that basic blue print than we are odd, different, unsuccessful. I really wouldn't say this is the case... but I find my self seeing people try so hard to complete their social obligation without doing it for the right reason. I see girls getting married not for the sake of love but for the sake of marriage, "Its what I'm suppose to do".

One day I do want to get married but not because I feel my clock is ticking, or that all my friends are getting married, or for a god damn ring that will last longer than my life, but because it is an honest relationship. Its with a person that wont give up, like so many others do. Life changes, loves changes, and we must keep the people that truly love us close because those are the ones that cannot be replaced. Family is primarily important to me because they are people that are always there for me as well as a few selective friends.

Although these major events are part of our lives, if we choose to reject fitting into this perfect squares does that make us weird? Are we not accomplished? Are we less than everyone else? I highly doubt it, but thats why people just need to live their lives and not care what others think. Find the road less traveled by and don't look back, don't go looking for life because it will find you, and when it does make sure not to miss it. Good people don't come into peoples lives very often, thats why Its important to hold on.

Knock, Knock

I'm at your door step, hoping you'll hear me.

I keep making excuses... maybe your in the shower. playing a video game. listening to music.

So I wait.... I've been waiting too long

Its getting cold but I have hope.

Hope......

So I wait... I knock... I wait...

But at some point I have to give up

I can't stay here forever.

I knock more loudly.

Please listen.

.

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

It could happen...

Today I was randomly thinking about an old customer I use to help at WAMU back in Oxnard. Being a teller I always helped him frequently and after about 6 months I noticed he kept having trouble balancing his account. I remember asking what had happened and he explained.

He said that he was a teacher at a local school and he had a weird pain in his arm at work one day but he decided not to report it. It ended up being a tendon in his arm that he had to go get surgery for. His workers comp. wouldn't cover it and on top of that he was unable to pay for his care for his mother and was on the verge of losing his home.

I frequently think of this guy because he was in a good situation he had a good job, a good home and just because of all the medical bills he was losing everything he ever worked for. I always hope things would have worked out for him but you never know. People tend to forget that everything we THINK we have can be taken away. Life brings on obstacles and our plan for life may not always work out.

Sky

The sky is blue which is a fact, but it also is red orange and purple... Sunrise and Sunset............ If I say its red, orange or even purple people tend to stare.. but I see the sky for more then the blueness of the average day, but more for its memorable hellos and goodbyes.

So even if I say the sky is red.. I'll hear "no its blue" but I chose to remember it for what is most preciouse to me. Its sweet goodbyes with a love or a friend.. a closing day... a new begining......

Dreams

I have vivid dreams and sometimes of things I choose to not think about in my daily life. But the truth is that there is no escaping these nightly realizations. For some reason dreams amaze people:we search for meaning within these dreams. Maybe I should keep a dream journal and maybe at some point I could figure these dreams out. But in all honesty my dreams freak me out. The other night I had a dream that Johnny was dying during a lung surgery and I knew right when his heart stopped. What does this mean? I dunno but I know for a fact that his smoking might have some sort of impact on my dream. I HATE cigarette smoking. I've had deja vu dreams and those are honestly the most difficult dreams to comprehend. Dreaming about an exact moment in the future is very weird and how is it possible?

All I know is that I need to change where my life is headed because right now its headed towards a dark lonely path. I've given so much and now its really time for me to be appreciated. But all I know is that no one can love you until you love your self. These last few years I've known where I was going but now I need to get there.

Never Quite Discussed

you're the closest thing i know to love so
let me in
the moon is glowing white
and time's a-wasting
and don't you want to know
what happens when
we start at the start
before it becomes that thing
that broke my heart in two
we've been here before
that place where we dwell until
we find we both want something more

so let's pretend that for a moment
we have never loved before
touch my skin
and i will kiss your lips and
we can both ignore
that feeling of wait,
what happens in time
i know this is cool for now
but i just might change my mind
and leave
you there in the dust
i know that you love me a lot
but it was never quite discussed

Inspiration

To be inspired or to inspire others?

We are social beings that feed off of each others energy. I sometimes feel disconnected from life.

Or is that being an adult? I want to be part of something great in my lifetime yet as time goes by I feel its becoming less likely.

To be considered successful in life we must fit a blue print. Many people don't fit that blue print. Does that really make us unsuccessful or just different.

As Dr. Choi once said -You are all squares, everyone else is a triangle. To be a triangle you need to cut off part of you.... but would you really cut off your leg or arm to be like someone else? No because that is a part of you-

To be inspired or to inspire.... I'd like a little of both.

Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option.

I do it to my self. I hope things will change when I know the truth is they never will.