Engagement and life changes

The last few months have changed the dynamics of my relationship with my fiance'. I'm not saying that it has changed in any negative way but it has changed in a way that has made us make different choices together. I for a instance,work for a nonprofit organization in which I make little money. I'm educated and work hard and I went into social services for the love of helping people. I love what I do but now that I am engaged I can't only think of my self but I have to think of my future with husband and the life that we ideally would like to have.

 I met my fiance on Aug 2011 we hit it off right off the bat. It was amazing but I couldn't really believe that this man was legitimately honest with me. In previous blogs I've talked about my horrifiying nightmare of a relationship what I wish never happen. There was manipulation, and anything someone with anti social personality would do to get there way. I fell victim of that and with that naive mind, my soul, my trust was vastly depleted.

But here I am today happier than I've ever been. Lucky that my sense of protection and urge to run away didn't scare me enough to NOT give my fiance Marco a chance. If that would have happen I know it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I found a good man a man that I am lucky to have. Its been almost 3 months since we got engaged and 1 year until we get married. O_O OH my! So this blog will outline our adventure. Starting from us moving in together which will happen in a month from now,saving, budgeting, decorating our bedroom, home, and wedding planning and much more. Stay tuned we have a lot to share.

I wrote this years ago.....

I wrote this years ago and felt that I should repost this on my blog for those that may understand previous frustration.


Random but here is a blog I wrote about being a teller when I was a teller you might get a kick out of it.

Life as a teller..
Okay, for the most part I like my job, its fun, I've heard great stories, met great people, but sometimes you come across some ass holes, and as a teller you become FREAKEN ANNOYED. If your a teller you know what im talking about.
top 5 Most annoying things
1) FILL OUT YOU FUCKIN DEPOSIT SLIPS... dont give me "i dont know my accound number" do you know the date and your name?? okay thats all I need you to do, a 5 year old can fill out their name and the date.
2) To all you non-customers with attitude, dont worry I hate you too. If you DONT have an account at a bank, your non-customer(we have no info to reference on) so according to the Patriot act we REQUIRE TWO forms of ID! TWO. If you have a problem with that go to your own bank or open an account. You really dont need to blow up in my face cause you dont have your shit together really now Im not trying to be a ass to you, their are rules that I GET PAID TO FOLLOW. So really, dont hate me.
3) Why do you try to hide your pin number from me? really now, why? once you put your pin number in, i get your social, adress , ID info, etc.. why would that pin even matter?? So if you hide your pin from a teller, dont! You just look like an idiot.
4) HAVE YOU SHIT TOGETHER!!!! if your waiting in line for like 10 minutes and the first thing you say to me is "oh my gosh you need more tellers" and then you follow that with "oh i forgot to fill out my deposit slip, sign my checks and organize everything" umm sorry to say dude but if you had your stuff ready these people would be in and out in no time. So just have your stuff ready.
5) 3rd party checks, why does every single person say "I do it all the time?" Just know if you dropped your check and someone else took it and cashed it you probably would be mad. So dont think im being mean for not cashing SOMEONE ELSES CHECK.
Im not mean, just annoyed sometimes. most people that come in are great customers its jsut these small things that happen that get under my skin and I am sure other tellers can agree.

OH YEAH TOTALLY FORGOT!.. ONE of the most annoying things any customer can say is ... "oh you must be new" WTF seriuosly I want to hit them in the face soooooooo bad. Do they not realize how freaken rude that is.. Just becuase i dont know you doesnt mean im new. YOUR NOT THAT IMPORTANT! AH.. ok bye bye im done now

Dear 805, I've been here for almost ummm.... 9 -10 months. As much as you'll always have a place in my heart I get very angry at some of the people that live here. Maybe thats why I enjoy working in social services and making a difference because maybe just maybe I could help someone find opportunities to take them where they need to be.
I sorta wanna move back to the 619 I left because i needed to at the time. It was filled with cold, horrible memories for me to be able to heal properly. I love my family I love my friends but the 805 seems to interest me less and less. Okay well Santa Paula is the black hole i need to get out of not Ventura County as a whole just a few spots that really anger.

But the longer I am here the more I get over what the past has punished me with and grow stronger to make the moves I need to make. May that be San Diego or San Francisco I'll be ready when that day comes. I will apply to grad school soon and I am looking forward to this, if I stay local or if I move either way I will be happy with where life takes me.

Random Hike

White Man- Langston Hughes-Written in the 1930's

White Man
Sure I know you!
You’re a White Man.
I’m a Negro.
You take all the best jobs
And leave us the garbage cans to empty
and
The halls to clean.
You have a good time in a big house at
Palm Beach
And rent us the back alleys
And the dirty slums.
You enjoy Rome –
And take Ethiopia.
White Man! White Man!
Let Louis Armstrong play it –
And you copyright it
And make the money.
You’re the smart guy, White Man!
You got everything!
But now,
I hear your name ain’t really White
Man.
I hear it’s something
Marx wrote down
Fifty years ago –
That rich people don’t like to read.
Is that true, White Man?
Is your name in a book
Called the Communist Manifesto?
Is your name spelled
C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-T?
Are you always a White Man?
Huh?

The man in the shadows

When I've had crappy times in my life I've always turned to one thing, and that is writing. Ever since I was in 8th grade its been something I've done and I never stopped doing. I may not always post it on my blog but I have tons of poems, quotes, random thoughts floating in my computer.

In the last few months my life has COMPLETELY changed, from living in San Diego, having my own apartment, working part-time, barely making it financially, and being with the man that I cared about more then anything.- to moving the fuck out of San Diego- living back in my hometown(which isn't half bad except for a high percentage of retarded people that roam the streets like their shit don't stink), being around EVERYONE I love more than anything, and having a full time job which pays very well, and suffering a pretty traumatic heart break. Moving back seems to carry a lot of positive impacts on my life. I am now able to buy things FOR ME, take care of me and not worry about anyone else. Its actually great, except knowing that the man I loved was a complete psychopath.

I've thought about posting what's been going on in my life multiple times, but does having all that information out there make me a weaker person? I really don't think so, first I have to say that when it comes to emotional attachment towards people, I'm very picky with who I interact with, and when those chapters in my life end I definitely need a lot of time to reflect. I do not believe that right after a relationship I should go right into the next. A relationship should not be half a person trying to fill a void but it should be a whole person trying to find another person to compliment them.

The last two months I've gone through anger, hurt, heart break, more anger, disgust, disbelief, and betrayal. The story I have I don't need to repeat but know that it was the biggest lessons of my life. I NEVER thought this would happen to me, EVER, but much less did I EVER believe that this man would have done what he did. I "believed" that people were generally good, I've never met anyone that created a persona, a life, a hobby, morals that were not really part of that individual at all. I still have trouble understanding , is it a double life he lives? Does he have mental issues? I guess I'll never know but what I do know is that what happened when our relationship ended was NOT my fault, he was who he has always been, but I was just too blind to see the truth.

The truth has seeped through the cracks and back into my life in waves, first the initial shock then greater lies, his lack of morals, lies, his lack of shame,his lack of self respect, and lack of respect of people that have loved that person. If anything, I gave that man a HUGE chance to change his path but he refused, instead of finding the right path he tried or should I say insisted in finding a shortcut that only ended up getting him lost. But here I am talking about him? WTF!!!!!!!

Now that I am where I need to be, I still find my self thinking about this person, I am ANGRY that I've missed someone that doesn't exist but I try to accept the truths that I have learned... I thought so highly of him, he was my best friends and my love and in the end it ended like a bad dream. The hardest thing is dealing with the questions I know I'll never understand. What was real?